Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
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Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
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You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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