none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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