my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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