I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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