Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
