My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
