You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
