There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
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all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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