I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
