My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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