No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
