I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
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I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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