I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
