the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
