Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The air taste purple.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
