Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
