Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
