Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
