Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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