my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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