so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i drank out of a bidet.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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