I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
