I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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