he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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