What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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