I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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