Four minutes until I can fart!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
