The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
