Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
