i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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