I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
