I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize