i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
