Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
