I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
