your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
