We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
