Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
