come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
