I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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