Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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