You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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