If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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