I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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