you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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