Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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