You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
