just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that