would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.