why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.