Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
