I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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