I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
