I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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