You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
