Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
