She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
