I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
