Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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