Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
