My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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