you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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