i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
